Growth

Hi everyone,

So twenty four days ago, which was December 4th, my blog reached its three year mark. Yeah. Wow.

I’ve just been thinking. I went all the way back, though the distance seems so much shorter now, and reread my first post. And my second post. And my third post. And all the other 43 remaining posts.

In those posts, in between those words, I could see. So clearly, it was blinding; I’ve changed. I cant find the person who wrote ‘I’m just starting out’. Its somewhat comical in a way I guess, that the me who is me isn’t me. But the gaps between each post just grew longer and longer and at some recent point I just didn’t know what more I could do.

Of course I still love those moments when I write, when suddenly words decide to flow into my brain and I can go deep into that blissful zone. But waiting for those words to come is like waiting for a meteorite; you never truly have the foresight to tell when its gonna come, and when it does you don’t know how destructive it’ll be and how lucky you are, and the fact if you’ll ever see it again. (okay that was kind of a weird analogy, if it was an analogy at all, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say).

I gave a chunk of myself, my better self, when I started this blog, so it could see, breathe, and feel. The things I saw and felt don’t seem trivial at all, despite having been my younger self’s view, but more so, they feel more justified and understood, like a dream.

To be honest, I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish by writing this, but hear me out when I say that this explanation is more for myself and my peace of heart.

The style of my writing has always been a little different; somewhat formal and odd, or sloppy and slang filled, or even random and flowing. I never can decide what I can use or say to define me and my mind. I’m complicated, and fairly self-centred considering here I am going on and on about how weird I am and my writing and whatnot.

Again, you and me both are failing to see the purpose of this post, but lets hang in there, I’m almost at my conclusion.

So what I’m basically trying to say is that, writing has become hard for me, mainly, I think, because my view of the world had become skewed, not holding the same sense of innocence and wonder it did in the beginning. I feel like I’ve strayed off the yellow brick road and stumbled into the woods.

Okay, I can see that I’m losing myself and you so here it is:

I don’t know what more I can do for this beautiful, bubbly blog, its done so much for me and I’ve been repaying the debt since my first post. I’ll try to post something when I can, and this isn’t goodbye at all, to my blog and to you. I’m thinking of starting a new blog, maybe I will, maybe I’ll come back to this, either way I will update this blog every now and then.

Thanks to everyone that has followed my blog.

Despite all my ranting and thoughts above, one thing stands true; its My Way or No way.

 

AJ xo